Drunken thoughts are rampant tonight–angry and sad and disappointed and defeated. I can’t believe I let myself hope for something more. I can’t believe I thought that maybe this time things would be different. But the worst thought of all, the one that is constantly being echoed in the back of my head when all else is silent, is the thought that once again, I wasn’t good enough. Everyone told me, and even I came believed that this whole situation, that we could be good for me. But I should’ve stuck with my original feelings. Because in the end, this only left me broken into pieces on the floor. The very place you found me. Maybe that’s why you stayed around for so long. Maybe in some sick, twisted way, you got off on putting me back together only to destroy me all over again.
Good to know I can feed your ego.
But you aren’t the only one. You may have broken me once again, but others continue to step on the broken pieces, making it even harder to put back together this time. Few have come along, tried, and succeeded to rebuild the pieces I once called myself, only to have someone come along and rip apart every bit of progress. Maybe I’m just not meant to be whole anymore. I’m just not good enough for that.
So I’ll drink until the pain dulls and relish the moments when the anger and pain is replaced by genuine happiness–no matter how short the moments may be.